My Rainbow Cake Writing

Week 4  Writing: Cross Country Race

WALT: analyse my writing using the rubrics to assess and score my writing

SUCCESS CRITERIA:

I know I will be successful when I can

• Know what level I will use
• identify the different elements and show what they are in my writing by highlighting these examples
• comment on what I have achieved
• comment on my next learning

Indicators Writing Rubric		My Writing - Cross Country	My thoughts
Ideas	5	My heart pounded as we stood waiting for the start of our race. Bang! The bricks rang through my ears as we all pushed and shoved our way through each other to begin our race. We were sprinting for gold. I could feel the butterflies in the pit of my stomach, twist and tangle as the juniors scrambled all over the field as they took off. Lap after lap each group ran conquering their goals. My eyes widen once every race finished, the butterflies got worse. With only a few minutes, the other 12 year olds  and I went to do some exercise before the big event. “And last but not least the 12 and over, boys and girls” roared Miss Simeon. Bang the starters went as the crowd cheered “Go Gerry!” I sprinted my fastest so that I could keep up with the others who had already ran ahead of me. Most of the runners that I ran with seem to fade away at the start of the track.  I knew I shouldn’t of sprinted in the beginning but I did. My legs were wobbly jelly and my hands were getting electrocuted. As soon as I got behind the trees I ended up stopping because I was so tired. I pushed my way through Tumanako and Shilaine and tried to catch up to Ruby. Kura was in front, she’s small so it is expected that she would come first. Ruby next and then me.  I knew that I had to stick with Ruby. Once she gets near the finish line, I have to be near that corner, giving me the chance to sprint the last ten metres to the end. In the distance I saw Ruby and her mum rushing down the hill. “Go Gerry!” I heard from behind me as I made my way up the hill. I was nearly there to the finished line already feeling tired and exhausted and then I realised “Damn! It is only my second lap.” “One down, two to go.” commanded Whaea Gaylene. In a distance I could see Kura coming out of the paddock and Ruby just walking in as I speedily sprinted down the hill to try and keep up with them. Cone by cone I passed as I was heading in for my first  lap to be conquered. I quickly passed the finish line “GE-RRY, GE-RRY ” the little kids cheered as I sprinted past them. As soon as I started my second lap the stitch ended up creeping into my hips and staying there. I couldn’t keep going. My pace slowed down and my legs started to bail on me.   Every leaden step strained my burning muscles. I gulped for breath but received no air. I felt the worse pain; actually, I couldn't feel anything. I could hear voices, but I couldn't articulate any response. I ignored the pain and lunged every step forward. All the while the only thought I could form was Why am I doing this. Not long to go. A few more steps to the finish line.  As I rounded the corner, people cheered and clapped. My heart was running right in the front of me as I sped past Kohuroa, Shilaine and Parehuia. The last bit of energy bursted through down to my feet, electrifying them with wings to fly the final few metres down the track. The crowd went wild as I passed the finished. “Yay! The race is over” I felt the worse pain; actually, I couldn't feel anything. Something just gave me the last bit of hope. This was an  amazing exciting day for everyone. My favorite part of the day was being the leaders for the juniors by getting them into small groups and some of us seniors went to play games with the little kids.	My ideas show insight, originality and some authority and/or reflection on the wider world. My ideas are deliberately selected, effective and elaborated upon. My elaboration is detailed. I have raised complex issues or themes. My main idea is focused.
Structure and Language	6		My structural features and language features are appropriate to the purpose of my writing, controlled and effective.
Organisation	6		My paragraphs support the development of the text. Sub Headings, topic sentences and linking words are present and appropriate
Vocabulary	6		I have used precise language choices consistently to enhance meaning and/or mood. I have deliberately used  precise vocabulary (descriptive, expressive, academic, technical and/or abstract) for effect
Sentence Structure	6		My sentences are deliberately crafted to impact and engage. My sentences express precise meaning.
Punctuation	6		My punctuation assists meaning for the reader. My sentence punctuation is correct AND I use a wider range of other punctuation correctly, including capital letters. There may be some minor errors in my sentence punctuation. My other punctuation may include dashes, parentheses, commas for phrases and clauses, hyphens, semicolons, colons, more control over direct speech.
Spelling	5		I spell high-frequency and a range of difficult words with few or no errors.

List 3 things that you think you did well in this text. (not punctuation or capital letters or spelling)

I have used language features that are appropriate to the main idea.

2.    My paragraphs support the development of the text.

3.    I have used precise language choices consistently to enhance meaning and/or mood.

What do you need to work on to improve your writing?

In my writing I need to improve on making sure that I am using the right spelling. (Present or Past.)